Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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