Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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