If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
