Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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