We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
