Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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