6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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