is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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