You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
