I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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