He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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