Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
