somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize