I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
