Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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