We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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