I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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