Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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