don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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