They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
