he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
