If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize