I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
