Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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