Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My penis needs a shock collar
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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