i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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