the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize