I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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