if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
