I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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