is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
