He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
