I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
