All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
