Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
