I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
