sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
