You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
