Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
