Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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