New invention idea: vibrating tampons
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
