I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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