this beer tastes like vomit already
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
