somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
