i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize