Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
