Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
