There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
