Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
