Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
