just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's always time for handjobs
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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