stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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