One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
