That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
