I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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