and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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